THE HANDY'S

This story is true and is based on a true story that was said by a reliable source to be true.

Once upon a time, in the little town of Oblivion, there lived a young girl and a young boy. Well, there were others there too, but these two young people lived among the others.

They were named Harrietta Fist (the girl) and Harry Handy (the boy).They didn't know it yet but they would meet, fall in love, and be involved in many unusual adventures.

For Harrietta it was love at first sight, and it was almost the same thing for Harry, but not quite. He had always desired above anything to have his own dog. The only thing wrong with this love, he hated the barking, the pooping, the urinating, and the way the dogs looked. 

He wondered if he could put the dog thing on the back burner and try to kindle a relationship with Harrietta? She was no dog but maybe he could find a way to make it work out.

He would take some time while he courted Harrietta and try to sort out the dog quandary. "Maybe," he thought, "I can practice with Harietta and then when I find a dog that doesn't bark, poop, urinate, and is invisible, I will be ready."

Now both Harry and Harrietta were content. They went walking every morning and every evening. But there were things that made this relation ship not quite what they had each had hoped for.

Harry was pleased that Harrietta didn't bark. But it was difficult to pick up and carry her poop because of its size, and the worst thing, he could see her. And now! Harrietta  was beginning to chase cars. 

Harry really hadn't made any progress. In fact in some ways he had regressed.

Harrietta wasn't completely happy either, she wanted to be more of a companion to Harry and not an object of subjugation. Then one day she noticed in a roadside ad, a bark less dog from India, a basenji. She would tell Harry. But the cost for the dog was about $1,000. Quite prohibitive.

After Harrietta pointed out the good features of the Basenji, Harry's imagination went wild. 

"yes," he thought, "this dog would be perfect if I could find a way to make it invisible and restrict it's bowel and urethra," to say he was excited would be a misnomer, he was ecstatic. 

And if she was to be honest, Harrietta was excited too. her knees were getting sore and it was embarrassing if her friends saw her chasing cars.

So now, Harry began thinking of ways to invent an invisible making machine. 

"The new dog will be perfect," he slyly smiled.

Because their new dog was half rat and half Basenji, they named it Ratenji, but called it Fido for short.  It was a good pet. But then Harry noticed that Ratenji was still visible and still pooped and etc. But the no barking was great.

Harry began working in his garage to make an invisible making machine. After days of discouraging failures he finally had it.

It worked great except it left a small spot right under Ratenji's tail visible. They decided to call him Spot instead of Fido. Both Harry and Harrietta were pleased. Well, except for the poop and etc. but they would work on that in the future.

Before Harry and Harrietta did anything else, they decided to get Married. And went for a short honey moon. Of course they left Spot at the dog Pound where they had bought him. Now they were known as the Handy's.

The Handy's had a chance meeting with two giants that each had a normal sized hand (normal for Giants that is) growing out of their head. Other than that, there wasn't much unusual about them.

They immediately were enchanted by the Handy,s. And the Handy's were also enchanted by the giants, Nice and Arlene and their last name coincidently happened to be Giant. 

 In fact the Handy's couldn't decide which they liked the most. This was especially true after the two giants named Giant said in unison and sort of in a sing- song fashion, "If you ever need a hand, just let us know, we can help."

Now that Harry and Harryette had an invisible pet that didn't bark they decided to rent out the spare room for a little extra money while they worked on a way to stop the poop and etc.

The guy they decided to rent to had bad teeth and a lot of open, pussy sores on his neck and face. He seemed like a nice fellow.

The guy brought in a lot of stuff, bottles, bags filled with some sort of powder. It seemed that the new renter cooked a lot, the Handy's could smell it. It had a discontenting odor.

One day there was a gigantic explosion that demolished the house and separated the head from the body of both Harry and Harryette. 

The renter had been making Meth and it exploded. Now what would the Handy's do and how would they get along without bodies?

They couldn't tell if Spot had been injured or not. But after they had one of the neighbors look around for Spot's visible spot and after finding it, they felt around for injuries, Spot seemed injury free. He even still had his collar and leash on. So the neighbors had an advantage, they could look not only for Spot's spot but also the collar and the leash

So as time passed and the Handy's heads waited in the patient waiting room as patient as a head can be, while the two giants were secretly having the hand on their head removed to be ready as a donor organ for the Handy's. They too showed a lot of patience.

Finally, the giant's hands on their heads were removed and the Handy's heads were brought in and the huge hands were fastened to the Handy's heads. Of course the Handy's heads as well as the severed giant's hands were anesticized to make the organ transplant more comfortable. Now, if they just didn't reject the Handy's heads.

No one could be sure if it would work, but if the Handy's heads didn't reject the giant's hands, or vice versa, Maybe it might be a permanent fix and maybe not, but they would just need to be patient and wait to see. One thing they did discern, the giant's hands beat the heck out of no body at all. 

Harry had always said, as a way of introducing a little jocularity, "Halitosis is a lot better than no breath at all." Whatever that means or however it fits here.

Finally, it was done and the Handy's heads had been fastened to the huge giant's hands, but of course to the opposite side and in a less conspicuous way they could be used as bodies and not as decoration and for looks.

Of course the Handy's heads as well as the giant's hands were anesthetized to make the transplant a little bit more comfortable.

Now the Handy's could move on with their life. Their most pressing quest was to find a way to cause Spot not to poop and etc.

But one day while Harry was walking Spot he discovered that Spot understood what he was saying to him. And he began to answer in a surprising way.

Harry told Harryetta, a  she was delighted, ecstatic might be a better word to fit the occasion.

And then out of the blue, Spot began doing basic arithmetic and Harry pushed for higher math. Spot seemed to catch on and only his limited supply of poop might hold Him back. 

So now, they were considering not stopping the pooping, they were considering increasing it. Maybe if they fed him more? A surprise change in strategy, or would it be more accurate to say, tactics?

Now the Handy's, both Harry and Harryette agreed that Spot is a lot smarter than most dogs or rats. One thing was for sure, they would need to feed Spot more if they expected him to communicate with them at length.

They realized that some letters are difficult if not impossible to make, especially using this medium and writing blind, so to speak.

The letters like "O," "S'" and etc are really difficult under these conditions. If Spot was able to access a different medium or even if he could see what he was writing, it would be better. Maybe the hospital for the Big, Tall, and Small might be able to help with this. They did have gifted talents and their work was guaranteed. At least the labor was, but not the parts.

The Handy's were a little tired. They had thought, and thought and couldn't decide what to do. That night they knelt by their bed and prayed. Maybe God would help them. They waited patiently until morning but God never answered. Maybe God was helping some wide receiver or quarterback to score some points.

But God works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform and as the Handy's walked along Broadway street the next day, what did they see inside the window of a cake bake shop?

There was a nice lady decorating a cake. She held a large bag of some sort and on the end was a nozzle.  She was able to make "O," and, "S," and About anything  she wanted. 

"That's it!" Harry cried to Harryette. 

"We just need to have the hospital for the large and Tall and Small install one of those little frosting 
writers in Spot's spot."

Harryette thought a minute, "But Spot still can't really see what he is writing!" She almost cried

"Maybe the techs at the hospital will know something we can do." Harry tried to console her. But they would need to just put it all on the back burner for awhile.

The wheels in Harry's head were really turning now. He was imagining and in-visioning a better way for Spot to write and communicate.

Harry wondered if the techs at the hospital for the big, tall, and small would be able to implant the "cake writing" tube? He also wondered if they would be able to help Spot see what he was writing.

At the same time, Harry was thinking about building a fence for Spot so he and Harryetta could spend some time together. They hadn't had anytime out away from Spot for forever. He would build the fence after the "cake writer" and the eye conundrum were solved. These things didn't need to be completed, they just needed to decide what to do.

Harry began digging holes and trying to get them the right depth so the fence posts would be solid enough to keep Spot in. He worked the rest of that day and the well into the following day, finally it was finished with Field fencing and all. 

He decided to not put a gate in until later. He lifted Spot over the top of the fence and sat him on the ground. Almost immediately, Harry saw the collar and leash race across the enclosure and then over the fence. It was evident that Spot was a good jumper.

The "jumping the fence" incident was beginning to fade in Harry's memory, he realized he had more important things to worry about.

For one, teaching spot to decorate cakes and write HappyBirthday as well as any number of names. But Harry and Harryetta were making progress.

One thing they had been doing and had decided to keep doing. Was feeding Spot a diet of chocolate, sugar, butter, and stool softener. 

The Handy's were quite accustomed to circumstance. And as circumstance would have it, Harry and Harryetta happened to run into two friends who had had a similar experience concerning giants, hands, bodies, and etc.

They began chumming around together, but the new guy, his name happened to be Guy Turner, and Arlene were becoming more than just a little bit attracted to each other.

To say Harry was upset would not do his feelings justice. He was pissed. He revealed his feelings to Jessica, Guy's wife of several years. Maybe together they could think of a way to deal with this eventuality.

But now before they got too excited about the new courtship of Harryetta and their new friend Guy, they ran into a little girl at the grocery store. She was lost and crying, it almost broke their heart. 

They picked her up and tried to comfort her. They would find her mother and then she would be alright. 

She told them that her daddy owned a saloon and was going to let her clean the lavatory and sweep the floors. And just when they were about to give up, they spotted the little girl's momma. 

And now, sort of out of the blue, a new problem. When the hospital,for the Big, Tall, And Small had grafted the organ hand onto the head of both Harry and Harryetta, they had forgotten to add a very important item. Now both Harry and Harrietta were getting quite constipated. 

After the hospital techs apologized they checked the in-house organ bank and found they had only one organ suitable to transplant. They told Harry and Harryetta that their only solution was to modify this one and have Harry and Harryetta pass it back and fourth just when they needed it.

But it proved to be just what they needed for two reasons. It would give Harry and Harryetta the relief they sought  and in a way sort of tie them together again. And also, pretty much take Guy out of the picture. But Guy was getting to be sort of a pain in the ass anyway. 

And now, the Handy's and the Turners were getting back where they belonged. Harryetta and Guy had cooled and the new constipation reliever seemed to work. Guy and Jessica even borrowed it once in a while during bad months.

Things couldn't have been going better, they were all extremely happy. They had all,had some trouble in their lives but they seemed to have endured. So they all settled down and built a nice duplex right next to the river and decided to live happily ever after.

THE END